I need a vacation

[guanin]

I am so bored here. It doesn't matter what I do, I feel so tired. More and more often now I keep thinking of Scotland and Wales and mountains and being surrounded by green and as I look out the window at the banality of perfectly mowed lawns (which are cut too low for the grass’s welfare, by the way) and stick houses and stick "trees" lining the car parks, I feel so lonely and desperate. I want to get on a plane and get back to the UK now. I do not like it here. At the moment, if there was such a thing as proper media jobs in Puerto Rico, I would seriously be back there already. I need mountains. Need them. I realized that within the first two months of living here the first time when there were times I wanted to scream because the landscape remained just as unbearably flat no matter how many hours you drive. Even if were to move to Chicago, I don't know if I could handle it. In summer the sun kills me. I have a headache all the time from the heat. And then in winter you can't get out of the house without freezing into a popsicle. And spring. I must be the only person who doesn't like spring. Endless thunderstorms and the tornado alarm going on and me freaking out, and I mean serious, hear thumping panic attacks. Why the sod did my grandparents have to move here? Of all the places in this country. Here? In the Great Plains? There's not even prairie anymore. That I could appreciate. It's just strip malls and houses and petrol stations now. Not even corn fields.

I keep looking through "How to get a job" guides and they keep telling me I have to jump through these hoops that I'm not even aware of and use these contacts I don’t have and take classes I am too late to apply for and keep reminding me how "hard" it is now for people with zero experience like me, which just whittles away at the self confidence I somehow manage to have. People keep telling me I'm confident. I guess it's good that I can project that, at least, even if it's mostly me being stubborn and saying I'm going to get the job I want (whatever that is) simply because I want it and because thinking otherwise might cause a completely emotional collapse. I never entertain "not getting what I want" as an option. I wanted to study in Chicago. I did it. I wanted to finish my BA at the Uni of PR. I did it. I wanted to live in London. I did it. By the skin of my teeth, but I did it. So I'm going to do this. Because I want to. Because any other possibility is unacceptable. But I have no idea how the hell to do it. And that terrifies me. And when I'm scared, I get angry. And when I'm angry, I can't work on anything. And in the end the depression just keeps getting worse.

*breathes deep*

Right. I have a dissertation to finish. After I give my eyes a break.

Comments

[lotus0kid.livejournal.com]

Aww, I'm sorry you're gettin cabin fever in your own state *hugs*. Is there maybe a state park somewhere nearby? You could go and take a walk and chill out in the nature. Sure, it's not the epic landscape of Britania, but it could still be nice.

On the work thing, well, what kind of job are you looking for? Because, yeah, you're going to have a hard time without prior experience if you want something office-y. I think you might want to look into some retail jobs- Barnes & Noble or something. Just to get your feet wet a bit, maybe get a good reference. Or maybe you could try volunteer work- that can be good for building contacts. Any way you go, good luck.

[guanin.livejournal.com]

Thanks. This happens every time I come here. I stay here because of my family, but I only see some of my cousins twice a month. The others... years can pass by. And it's going to get worse once winter comes and the trees don't have leaves. But I had that problem in London as well. There appear to be some, but since I don't have a car, I'd have to borrow my grandfather's, but they probably wouldn't let me go by myself to someplace I've never been to before (i can get lost in a paper sack). That's another problem. I need to get to someplace where I don't need a car fast, because I do not want one. The expenses associated with a car are ridiculous. Plus, driving here scares me. I'm a 26 year old, female Puerto Rican driver (ie. I drive like a madwoman) and driving in calm Illinois scares me. It sounds bizarre, but the cops here have been seriously cracking down on the traffic laws, installing those speed detectors everywhere and actually caring. I get stress attacks when I see a cop car on the street. Anyway, back to the original topic, I should be able to swing for a family trip somewhere. I really need one. I just want to on a train and go.

Something in the TV/film industry. And I actually don't want an office job. That's on my avoid as much as possible list. I can't do a desk job 5 days a week. And not just mentally. I get serious nerve pain in my hips and shoulder blades if I'm sitting down all day. But right now I'm just looking for anything that can get me contacts in the industry. I do have my cousin (makeup artist) who I still need to call, which I keep putting off until I finish this thesis, so I should call her this week. Not that calling her guarantees anything, but she's an expert at working your way up from scratch. I'm thinking about applying at the bookstores, but I'd really like it if they actually called me back. I've actually tried to get a job previously, but I never got a response (applying to Borders is both pointless and a pain in the ass, by the way). I'm also looking for interships. I actually got a good one in my uni inbox, but since it's in London, I really would need to get paid, because I can't afford to live there anymore with no more money coming in. I'll run out of money at that rate. I just don't know where to look, is the problem. Getting a job is one of those things that was so far in the future that it just didn't seem real.