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Rating: PG
Summary: Kensei writes a letter to Hiro, expressing his true feelings after the events in "Out of Time".
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own words.
Title: Screaming into the Wind
My real name is Adam. I don't think I ever told you that, such a simple thing like my name. I was only ever Kensei Takezo to you. Well, now I am telling you, even if it's only on a piece of paper that you won’t get the chance to read for I don’t know how many years. But I know I’ll see you one day. If you came from the future, like you so claimed, then you haven’t even been born yet. I don't know how long I have to wait. You never said which century, much less which year you came from. In retrospect, I should have asked you, but I didn't exactly plan to live forever. Maybe forever is a tad long to be counting on, but it's been 50 years since you blew up that warehouse with me inside it and I haven't gotten a single grey hair. No wrinkles, no creaking knees, bad hearing, nothing. I look in the mirror and I see the same shell of the man who donned samurai armor and pretended to be Japan's greatest hero. Isn’t that what you called me? Well, you were wrong. It turns out that the man you’ve been idolizing your entire life is yourself. I was just a pawn, a handy tool stuck in the right place at the right time for you to play your little game at being a hero. Who tricked who, Hiro? Did I really trick you or did you trick me?
When you said that you loved her, I couldn't think straight. Emotions tumbled everywhere, impossible to figure out. I’ve never been any good at sorting through my thoughts when I’m angry and I was afraid, yes, afraid to say what was boiling inside me. It wouldn’t have done any good to say it anyway. It certainly wouldn’t have changed what you’d already done. Then why say it here, you may wonder? Because I need to, even if you never read this, even if you don't exist at this moment in time, this paper is my only connection to you, standing on the promise that one day you will reappear and I’ll get a chance to get my say.
You made me what I am. Before you came along, I just floated through life, living from day to day with no more rhyme or reason than lining my pockets and feasting to my heart’s content. But you gave me a purpose, a mission even. I discovered my power through you. I know I would have found it out by myself later anyway, but it doesn't matter. It was still you who made me see it. You made me a hero. And for the first time in my life, I was truly happy. So I dutifully obeyed every task you required of me, every instruction followed to the letter, even that involving Yaeko, though that part of the legend I could never swallow. The only reason I went along with it was because you kept insisting and insisting. So I played the part, speaking the required lines at the proper cues, just to please you. History, if it even happened before you came to the past and fucked it up, got it wrong. If I ever got into an engagement with her the first time around, it must have been out of convenience, not love. There's no way that it could have been love, I assure you. My tastes don't lean in that direction. I discovered that quite early on in my life, to my great dismay, but speeches of fire and brimstone have never kept me away from anything for long.
The thing is, I wasn’t jealous of you when you kissed Yaeko. I was jealous of her. Because I love you. Yes, you. But I couldn't exactly tell you, now could I? We both know what kind of reaction I'd have a right to expect. But even with the great improbability that you might, might share my feelings, I had hope, not much, but hope. So many good things had happened since I met you that I thought: Why not this? How stupid of me. Yet for a while there, I thought that maybe it wasn't just a futile dream. You were always so happy to be with me. Hell, you fawned over me like a love struck boy over his sweetheart. I even fancied that there was a special light in your eyes when you spoke to me. Was that real or did I simply project it onto you, molding my own desires onto behavior intended to be no more than friendly?
I'd like to think that there was something special between us, even if it wasn't exactly what I wanted. It might be some comfort. But what you did... You can never excuse what you did. Even if I didn't love her. You thought that I did; that‘s what twists in my gut. You believed it with the weight of hundreds of years of legend to back it up. God knows you quoted it to me often enough. And with that sure knowledge so firmly wedged in your mind, you kissed her. Then you have the gall to tell me that you fell in love with her, accidentally, as if it wasn’t completely your fault. Had it been any other woman, I would have accepted it, knowing that I had no right to you. It would’ve still eaten away at me, but I’d understand. But this… You betrayed me. What did you expect was going to happen? That I'd forgive you? Or perhaps you hoped that I'd graciously cede her to you, since you two seemed so disgustingly enamored with each other. I don’t believe that you really loved her. You fell for a fairy princess from a storybook, just like I was your white knight. We were only characters in the fantastical dream world you constructed in your head.
I’ll see you again, Hiro, I know I will. It may take centuries, but I’ll wait. I can wait for eternity. Then we’ll see whom you truly love.
Summary: Kensei writes a letter to Hiro, expressing his true feelings after the events in "Out of Time".
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own words.
Title: Screaming into the Wind
My real name is Adam. I don't think I ever told you that, such a simple thing like my name. I was only ever Kensei Takezo to you. Well, now I am telling you, even if it's only on a piece of paper that you won’t get the chance to read for I don’t know how many years. But I know I’ll see you one day. If you came from the future, like you so claimed, then you haven’t even been born yet. I don't know how long I have to wait. You never said which century, much less which year you came from. In retrospect, I should have asked you, but I didn't exactly plan to live forever. Maybe forever is a tad long to be counting on, but it's been 50 years since you blew up that warehouse with me inside it and I haven't gotten a single grey hair. No wrinkles, no creaking knees, bad hearing, nothing. I look in the mirror and I see the same shell of the man who donned samurai armor and pretended to be Japan's greatest hero. Isn’t that what you called me? Well, you were wrong. It turns out that the man you’ve been idolizing your entire life is yourself. I was just a pawn, a handy tool stuck in the right place at the right time for you to play your little game at being a hero. Who tricked who, Hiro? Did I really trick you or did you trick me?
When you said that you loved her, I couldn't think straight. Emotions tumbled everywhere, impossible to figure out. I’ve never been any good at sorting through my thoughts when I’m angry and I was afraid, yes, afraid to say what was boiling inside me. It wouldn’t have done any good to say it anyway. It certainly wouldn’t have changed what you’d already done. Then why say it here, you may wonder? Because I need to, even if you never read this, even if you don't exist at this moment in time, this paper is my only connection to you, standing on the promise that one day you will reappear and I’ll get a chance to get my say.
You made me what I am. Before you came along, I just floated through life, living from day to day with no more rhyme or reason than lining my pockets and feasting to my heart’s content. But you gave me a purpose, a mission even. I discovered my power through you. I know I would have found it out by myself later anyway, but it doesn't matter. It was still you who made me see it. You made me a hero. And for the first time in my life, I was truly happy. So I dutifully obeyed every task you required of me, every instruction followed to the letter, even that involving Yaeko, though that part of the legend I could never swallow. The only reason I went along with it was because you kept insisting and insisting. So I played the part, speaking the required lines at the proper cues, just to please you. History, if it even happened before you came to the past and fucked it up, got it wrong. If I ever got into an engagement with her the first time around, it must have been out of convenience, not love. There's no way that it could have been love, I assure you. My tastes don't lean in that direction. I discovered that quite early on in my life, to my great dismay, but speeches of fire and brimstone have never kept me away from anything for long.
The thing is, I wasn’t jealous of you when you kissed Yaeko. I was jealous of her. Because I love you. Yes, you. But I couldn't exactly tell you, now could I? We both know what kind of reaction I'd have a right to expect. But even with the great improbability that you might, might share my feelings, I had hope, not much, but hope. So many good things had happened since I met you that I thought: Why not this? How stupid of me. Yet for a while there, I thought that maybe it wasn't just a futile dream. You were always so happy to be with me. Hell, you fawned over me like a love struck boy over his sweetheart. I even fancied that there was a special light in your eyes when you spoke to me. Was that real or did I simply project it onto you, molding my own desires onto behavior intended to be no more than friendly?
I'd like to think that there was something special between us, even if it wasn't exactly what I wanted. It might be some comfort. But what you did... You can never excuse what you did. Even if I didn't love her. You thought that I did; that‘s what twists in my gut. You believed it with the weight of hundreds of years of legend to back it up. God knows you quoted it to me often enough. And with that sure knowledge so firmly wedged in your mind, you kissed her. Then you have the gall to tell me that you fell in love with her, accidentally, as if it wasn’t completely your fault. Had it been any other woman, I would have accepted it, knowing that I had no right to you. It would’ve still eaten away at me, but I’d understand. But this… You betrayed me. What did you expect was going to happen? That I'd forgive you? Or perhaps you hoped that I'd graciously cede her to you, since you two seemed so disgustingly enamored with each other. I don’t believe that you really loved her. You fell for a fairy princess from a storybook, just like I was your white knight. We were only characters in the fantastical dream world you constructed in your head.
I’ll see you again, Hiro, I know I will. It may take centuries, but I’ll wait. I can wait for eternity. Then we’ll see whom you truly love.
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I like the way you described Adam's feelings!!!
And this line was awesome:
I don’t believe that you really loved her. You fell for a fairy princess from a storybook, just like I was your white knight. We were only characters in the fantastical dream world you constructed in your head.
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I kinda vented a little here about the whole Yaeko thing, which I didn't buy at all.
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^__^
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Re: ^__^
This is my favorite Adam pairing as well.
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Totally brilliant. :)
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From: (Anonymous)
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This was adorable...Kensei, Hiro's White Knight. :D Amazing. Keep writing!
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The whole Yaeko thing is so badly written for so many reasons. That's what I love about fanfiction. We can fix the deficiencies in the canon.
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It's my heart.
Breaking. For this whole series.
:3 Great job on all of them. :3