I don't know what I'm doing

[guanin]

Why, despite a week of reading up on Mexican politics, do I feel as if I know nothing? I have random ideas shooting off in my head, but the details have faded away, dates and elections all confused and I don't know which way's up. I miss writing about the Mexican Revolution. I can't believe I just wrote that. But it's easier than this! *grumble* stupid politics and it's tiny details and it's numbers*grumble* And why did does the professor have to specialize on Mexico? The man probably knows every last little corner about the subject I'm doing! Ah!

This is going to suck. Screw it. I just want to pass. That's it. Never mind that I just spent an hour writing one hundred words. *head desk* I could have written 1,000 words of fic in that time.

I actually keep looking at the clock, asking myself if I can go to bed now just to avoid this thing. No, honey, you cannot go to bed at 8:15. I haven't even been up 12 hours yet!

Comments

[visiblemarket.livejournal.com]

Never mind that I just spent an hour writing one hundred words. *head desk* I could have written 1,000 words of fic in that time.

It's numbers like that that just freak me the hell out. Because...yeah.

Mexican politics is crazy just like the politics of any other country is crazy. It's probably worse for you because politics in general isn't something you're very interested in, so you don't even have a basis for comparison. Just think of it as pre-history and it's...a little simpler. It's the history that 200 years from now students will be studying. Or having implanted into their brains by a microchip. You know how it is.

I'm a really good cheer-er upper, aren't I?

[guanin.livejournal.com]

And fic writing would have been so much more productive and satisfying, really. And just better. This might just be the worst introduction I've ever written.

I notice that I'm not very good at dealing with this stuff outside of a historical context. Politics, economics, social issues within historical studies I can handle. But each by itself? I need the greater context. Else I feel like I'm floating without any clear notion about what's going on. The only reason I'm not having a complete freakout is because this is Mexican history (yes, the bias works) and I was in Mexico during the 2000 elections, which is one of the things I'm dealing with. So it's nice to know more about what was going on and just who the PAN is. And I have personal experience to contribute! although there's no way to reference that. *frowns* I've never had only eleven sources before.

Oh, and this was supposed to be a comparative paper, but I was lazy and Chile looked way too complicated.

Ah, you do fine. Just freaking out with someone helps.

[visiblemarket.livejournal.com]

It would be in the short run, but it would cost you in the long run. Well, you know, introductions are nothing if the rest of the thing is bad so, conversely, a bad introduction is nothing if the rest of the paper is good. This is logical, I think.

Well, you just don't know the effects in the future, not for sure. But you can always predict them; history is about patterns, right? So you see the beginnings of patterns forming and extrapolate likely effects. Oh dear god, I have econ brain right now, it's not helping. And I myself have just been given an assignment that is not econ and will require, uh, 10 sources. As well as personal interviews with experts. *sigh*

Hee. Well no one cares about the South American countries anyway, they're lame.

Well then, yay!

[guanin.livejournal.com]

Actually, that has proven to be true in my writing fanfic versus original fic. I realized that when I was considering where to apply for the MA and realized that even after years of practice, I don't have a portfolio aside for a couple of really short pieces. So art college was out. I could be spending the bulk of my time writing a novel, yet instead I'm writing essays. *sigh* Which is why I'm using the epic as practice for novel writing. And I have heard of writers getting hired on their strength of their fanfic, although I don't remember the details.

But...I'm not interested in predicting the future. I'm not even interested in the 20th century (well, now there are some things). My cut off point for history used to be 1815. It's not until this year that I extended it to the 19th century. See, that's why I like the history. Past events. That help with the present, sure, but that's not my main focus. Especially considering that my favorite topics are Mesoamerica and maritime history up to the early 19th century (once steamships are afloat, I'm done). I've also noticed that I prefer abstract concepts to concrete ones. I could have studied religion so easily.

But the history is fascinating. I never used to bother, either, but now... I never thought I'd be interested in Perón. Or a Brazilian president killing himself. Or the countries attacking the hell out of each other post-independence. Or the Bourbon Reforms. Or that some random British guy invaded Río de la Plata on a whim.

[visiblemarket.livejournal.com]

But given the time would you really spend it on novel-writing? I know I always complain about how if I had the time I'd be so much more productive, fic wise, but when I have had the time (winter break, etc) I never get very much done. It may be an incentive thing; when I write fic when I supposed to be doing something else, I get the thrill of doing something that I want to do over something that I have to do, plus the joy that comes from reviews. When I'm on break, well, everyone else seems to be, so the number of reviews drops, and there's very little else I can avoid. I actually have heard about a couple instances of fanfic authors making the leap into professional writing, which is fantastic if it's your goal to be a professional writer. If you're like me it just becomes increasingly more difficult to justify the time you spend on it to yourself. Of course I've used my own twisted logic to conclude that a) any kind of release and/or hobby is better than none, and especially if it's one where I stay safely inside my house and not out carousing, and b) any activity that teaches a person about writing for an audience, researching different aspects of history and/or canonical events, supplementing that research in a way that doesn't come off as just parroting it, and just in general makies you think so much about people other than yourself and how they would react to things cannot be all bad. So like anything else, as long as you work really hard at something and do the best you can, you're learning something.

Hee. Well. I like to see the broad scope of things, both into the past and present. I like learning about people, and you can learn about people from just about everything they do. The art, past and present, the politics, past and present. Economics as well. I rationalize it out to the whole learning from the past to make the present different, but in the end I think no matter what people decide to do there is someone in the past who has done the same thing in a comparable situation, with similar results. I mean in theory I like to learn "useful" stuff, but I think everything ends up being useful in ways you never expect so really...all knowledge is a good thing. I won't always seek things out, but I like those "Huh, cool" moments when you hear a bit of random trivia.

[guanin.livejournal.com]

Uh, well, I do tend to get lazy sometimes, but this last summer I got started on a new project and I was averaging 2,000-3,000 words a day. I actually got tired of writing sometimes. It was amazing. So...yeah. I don't have a choice, really. My body makes sure to give me some nice lightheaded headaches (it's actually worse than it sounds) that make it impossible to enjoy anything if I don't write a certain amount of words every day. Plus, if it drags on I feel empty and useless. So it's in my best interest to not get stuck in a situation where I don't have time to write. I wouldn't be able to function. Of course, I also have to fill my time doing other things, like fandom and learning about history and science (I miss science) and odds and ends. But I miss being around creative people. The intellectual discussions I sometimes get into with people at my uni are great, but it only feeds one part of my mind. That's my curse. I'm interested in so many things at once and I can't pay proper attention to them all.

That "history repeats itself" thing. General patterns do arise, true. Besides, humans will never learn, so of course they keep repeating the same mistakes over an over. Not that all patterns are mistakes, but those are the ones that tend to stand out.