![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
As usual, I'm feeling lonely and inadequate about my almost complete ignorance in the magic of socializing. I finally posted a note on Facebook about London a couple of days ago which I'd been putting off because of lack of time, and yes, I realize that I left one on LJ ages ago and that’s another thing. Online, LJ has priority, always. I tell you guys things that my rl friends never hear about. Not that I don't get close and personal very often with them, but it's not the same stuff. Facebook just isn't... It's not a blog, not really. I need the blog format to express myself, but my friends don't have blogs. Pleas to try LJ have gone unanswered and then they complain that I spill my guts on LJ and not to them, but writing and saying aren't the same thing. Sorry, but I don't conform to many of those "female" qualities, like talking about your feelings, Every time in those clichéd scenarios where the woman is trying to get the guy to talk I sympathize with the guy. I'm not a classically feminine woman. I may have the looks for it, with my small hands and girly (as in people still think I'm a teenager) looks, but I'm not. The lack of makeup most days and refusal to wear a skirt should be a dead giveaway.
I'm talking about different things at the same time. Anyway, I got one reply on the note and that's from the guy I was talking to through the Facebook IM thingy at the time. I don't know if people aren't checking (and I know a couple have like zero time on their hands) or if somehow Facebook isn't working for me, because twice already I've inquired about people on the Wall and gotten no reply. I don't know. I need to talk to these people in person, but of course that's impossible since I'm on the other side of the ocean, but I don't want to call and end up talking an hour on the phone because that's too expensive and I'm really cheap, which I could offset of I had an income, but I don't. And even if, if I call one person, but not another, wouldn't the other feel bad? I don't know. I don't do relationships well.
And it's not just the talking I need, but the physical contact. I'm used to randomly leaning on my friends when I'm feeling tired or whatever and now I don't even have that because I don't know how the rules over here work. Sometimes I think it's like in the US, which I could never get used to, but then this one girl the night we were at the pub greeted her friends and me, completely new person, with that double cheeked greeting that I don't know how to explain and I'd only previously seen in French and Spanish movies. In Puerto Rico we do the right cheek and that's it. So it was like yay for a second and then she turned to the other cheek and it was foreign again. I don't know. I'm just tired. I officially have one friend, maybe two. There's this girl on my floor that I bump into a lot (one day it was five times) and we talk for a bit, but we've never gone out or done anything. Every time I see a group of people laughing and talking by the lifts I feel so intimidated and like I'm intruding somehow. Groups of guys intimidate, they always have, and I suddenly feel like I'm younger than them even though I'm at least five years older because they're all freshmen here because I haven't mastered that basic concept of socializing. I don't know how to initiate conversations. I never know what to say even in the midst of one. I worry so much that people like being around talkers, including me, but in my case it's because I need someone else to introduce the topic of conversation, because I can't. Though if you get me going, I'll talk your ears off.
Also, what the hell is it with guys who get in the lift with you and suddenly their shoes or the floor is the most fascinating thing in the world? Half the guys (alone) that I get into the elevator with duck their heads away and look someplace else. Not helping, people. The girls don't do that.
I'm really hoping my friend (a guy, yay! I need guy friends, women can be strange), who I have class with tomorrow will be willing to do something later, because I'm going nuts with the research and the loneliness and everything and I badly need to meet new people, but I have no time to do anything due to incessant reading and I just remembered an article I have to read for tomorrow. Crap. I hope JSTOR (an online database) has it. So I'm too busy to male friends and in those rare pockets of time I do have there's no one to talk to.
I need a snog. Like seriously need one. No emotions necessary. I've never been more than physically attracted to any man (or woman, for that matter) in my entire life. Romantic love is something that I write about, not that I feel. Maybe I just haven't had the chance to get anywhere near it since I've never even been on a date in my life and if I tell that to anyone I'm sure they'd be shocked because by my age you're supposed to have done certain things, but nope, not that lucky. I don't think the V-word is still supposed to apply by this point. And I'm such a sexual person. Really. If it weren't for writing smut, I'd be going mad.
I'm talking about different things at the same time. Anyway, I got one reply on the note and that's from the guy I was talking to through the Facebook IM thingy at the time. I don't know if people aren't checking (and I know a couple have like zero time on their hands) or if somehow Facebook isn't working for me, because twice already I've inquired about people on the Wall and gotten no reply. I don't know. I need to talk to these people in person, but of course that's impossible since I'm on the other side of the ocean, but I don't want to call and end up talking an hour on the phone because that's too expensive and I'm really cheap, which I could offset of I had an income, but I don't. And even if, if I call one person, but not another, wouldn't the other feel bad? I don't know. I don't do relationships well.
And it's not just the talking I need, but the physical contact. I'm used to randomly leaning on my friends when I'm feeling tired or whatever and now I don't even have that because I don't know how the rules over here work. Sometimes I think it's like in the US, which I could never get used to, but then this one girl the night we were at the pub greeted her friends and me, completely new person, with that double cheeked greeting that I don't know how to explain and I'd only previously seen in French and Spanish movies. In Puerto Rico we do the right cheek and that's it. So it was like yay for a second and then she turned to the other cheek and it was foreign again. I don't know. I'm just tired. I officially have one friend, maybe two. There's this girl on my floor that I bump into a lot (one day it was five times) and we talk for a bit, but we've never gone out or done anything. Every time I see a group of people laughing and talking by the lifts I feel so intimidated and like I'm intruding somehow. Groups of guys intimidate, they always have, and I suddenly feel like I'm younger than them even though I'm at least five years older because they're all freshmen here because I haven't mastered that basic concept of socializing. I don't know how to initiate conversations. I never know what to say even in the midst of one. I worry so much that people like being around talkers, including me, but in my case it's because I need someone else to introduce the topic of conversation, because I can't. Though if you get me going, I'll talk your ears off.
Also, what the hell is it with guys who get in the lift with you and suddenly their shoes or the floor is the most fascinating thing in the world? Half the guys (alone) that I get into the elevator with duck their heads away and look someplace else. Not helping, people. The girls don't do that.
I'm really hoping my friend (a guy, yay! I need guy friends, women can be strange), who I have class with tomorrow will be willing to do something later, because I'm going nuts with the research and the loneliness and everything and I badly need to meet new people, but I have no time to do anything due to incessant reading and I just remembered an article I have to read for tomorrow. Crap. I hope JSTOR (an online database) has it. So I'm too busy to male friends and in those rare pockets of time I do have there's no one to talk to.
I need a snog. Like seriously need one. No emotions necessary. I've never been more than physically attracted to any man (or woman, for that matter) in my entire life. Romantic love is something that I write about, not that I feel. Maybe I just haven't had the chance to get anywhere near it since I've never even been on a date in my life and if I tell that to anyone I'm sure they'd be shocked because by my age you're supposed to have done certain things, but nope, not that lucky. I don't think the V-word is still supposed to apply by this point. And I'm such a sexual person. Really. If it weren't for writing smut, I'd be going mad.
Tags: