Emotional crisis

[guanin]

As usual, I'm feeling lonely and inadequate about my almost complete ignorance in the magic of socializing. I finally posted a note on Facebook about London a couple of days ago which I'd been putting off because of lack of time, and yes, I realize that I left one on LJ ages ago and that’s another thing. Online, LJ has priority, always. I tell you guys things that my rl friends never hear about. Not that I don't get close and personal very often with them, but it's not the same stuff. Facebook just isn't... It's not a blog, not really. I need the blog format to express myself, but my friends don't have blogs. Pleas to try LJ have gone unanswered and then they complain that I spill my guts on LJ and not to them, but writing and saying aren't the same thing. Sorry, but I don't conform to many of those "female" qualities, like talking about your feelings, Every time in those clichéd scenarios where the woman is trying to get the guy to talk I sympathize with the guy. I'm not a classically feminine woman. I may have the looks for it, with my small hands and girly (as in people still think I'm a teenager) looks, but I'm not. The lack of makeup most days and refusal to wear a skirt should be a dead giveaway.

I'm talking about different things at the same time. Anyway, I got one reply on the note and that's from the guy I was talking to through the Facebook IM thingy at the time. I don't know if people aren't checking (and I know a couple have like zero time on their hands) or if somehow Facebook isn't working for me, because twice already I've inquired about people on the Wall and gotten no reply. I don't know. I need to talk to these people in person, but of course that's impossible since I'm on the other side of the ocean, but I don't want to call and end up talking an hour on the phone because that's too expensive and I'm really cheap, which I could offset of I had an income, but I don't. And even if, if I call one person, but not another, wouldn't the other feel bad? I don't know. I don't do relationships well.

And it's not just the talking I need, but the physical contact. I'm used to randomly leaning on my friends when I'm feeling tired or whatever and now I don't even have that because I don't know how the rules over here work. Sometimes I think it's like in the US, which I could never get used to, but then this one girl the night we were at the pub greeted her friends and me, completely new person, with that double cheeked greeting that I don't know how to explain and I'd only previously seen in French and Spanish movies. In Puerto Rico we do the right cheek and that's it. So it was like yay for a second and then she turned to the other cheek and it was foreign again. I don't know. I'm just tired. I officially have one friend, maybe two. There's this girl on my floor that I bump into a lot (one day it was five times) and we talk for a bit, but we've never gone out or done anything. Every time I see a group of people laughing and talking by the lifts I feel so intimidated and like I'm intruding somehow. Groups of guys intimidate, they always have, and I suddenly feel like I'm younger than them even though I'm at least five years older because they're all freshmen here because I haven't mastered that basic concept of socializing. I don't know how to initiate conversations. I never know what to say even in the midst of one. I worry so much that people like being around talkers, including me, but in my case it's because I need someone else to introduce the topic of conversation, because I can't. Though if you get me going, I'll talk your ears off.

Also, what the hell is it with guys who get in the lift with you and suddenly their shoes or the floor is the most fascinating thing in the world? Half the guys (alone) that I get into the elevator with duck their heads away and look someplace else. Not helping, people. The girls don't do that.

I'm really hoping my friend (a guy, yay! I need guy friends, women can be strange), who I have class with tomorrow will be willing to do something later, because I'm going nuts with the research and the loneliness and everything and I badly need to meet new people, but I have no time to do anything due to incessant reading and I just remembered an article I have to read for tomorrow. Crap. I hope JSTOR (an online database) has it. So I'm too busy to male friends and in those rare pockets of time I do have there's no one to talk to.

I need a snog. Like seriously need one. No emotions necessary. I've never been more than physically attracted to any man (or woman, for that matter) in my entire life. Romantic love is something that I write about, not that I feel. Maybe I just haven't had the chance to get anywhere near it since I've never even been on a date in my life and if I tell that to anyone I'm sure they'd be shocked because by my age you're supposed to have done certain things, but nope, not that lucky. I don't think the V-word is still supposed to apply by this point. And I'm such a sexual person. Really. If it weren't for writing smut, I'd be going mad.

Comments

[visiblemarket.livejournal.com]

I know I say this all the time, and that it's supremely unhelpful for immediate relief of what you're feeling, but give it a little time. Especially in a foreign country, definitely in small communities like those you find at college, where everyone else seems to have friends already, it can feel really lonely when you don't, but it's just a matter of being able to put in the effort. And if right now you don't have the time to put in the effort, it's a matter of conforming yourself to the fact that you don't have time now, but will eventually.

I know how you feel about having guy friends, though; all of high school I had so many male friends, that I appreciated so much more than the girls, but since college...I don't have nearly as many. I've gotten better, but yeah, between the two, males just feel so much more normal sometimes.

As for snogging (and heh, between "snogging" and "lift", you sure are picking up the slang, huh?) good luck with it. I'm so far on the opposite end of the spectrum there that it's hard for me to understand, but a little bit of closeness with people, however it manifests, never really goes amiss.

Which is all a very convoluted way of saying: I know things are a bit rough right now, but it's a process. You've already made at least a few friends, you've gotten into somewhat of a routine school wise, and you're picking up the language, even ;). So, it's progress.

[guanin.livejournal.com]

I know, I know. I just get so lonely sometimes. I've spent most of my life friendless, so just the prospect of being in that state again scares the hell out of me. And the lack of time thing is going to be constant for the entire year. Seriously. I have a total of 9 3,000 word essays plus three exams and a 12,000 word dissertation due in September. Slacking off is not an option, as the professor at one of the seminars reminded us so nicely. I'll probably have free time here in March when they give us a whole month off and I'm not planning on going back home due to work.

Guys are so much better to be with sometimes. I can't identify with women in so many ways. When my friends (all female and even girlier than I thought) were over in the summer, I yearned for my cousin Raúl to get home from home so I could go and have a conversation that didn't involve makeup or Hollywood gossip or watching the E channel (which I hate. It's so vapid).

Tim (that's my friend's name) is really nice and we have a lot of things in common. I got into a conversation with him over my incomprehension over walking around London in stilletos.

Oh, I've been picking up the slang for a couple of years now with all the British movies and shows I watch. Though I am using much more of it now. I got corrected when I said Math instead of Maths, so I have to get with it.

Thanks. That's one of the things that most worries me. I'm so desperate by this point that I sometimes have to willfully restrain myself from reaching out and touching a guy's hair.

[visiblemarket.livejournal.com]

Oh, hon. Loneliness is not fun. Unless you're a hermit, like me, in which case it is kind of fun but...if not, yeah, I understand. But hey, if you're in a program where lots of other people are going through that to, maybe you can align yourself with some of them? Even if it is just study group/writing party types of things, it's still a kind of socializing.

Seriously. I know there are women out there who aren't so focused on...Hollywood gossip or E channel, or whatever, but they're usually not terribly vocal, and therefore a lot harder to identify as such. Guys require a lot less reining back of certain aspects of my personality, and a bit more adventurous about stuff. *laughs* This is making me miss my guy friends right now...

Heh. Londin in stilletos sounds like trying to do a three-legged race through a minefield.

I'm sure there's guys out there that would be more than willing to have you touch their hair ;) It'll just be a matter of finding ones who's hair you want to touch. And again, that sort of thing always takes so much time...

[guanin.livejournal.com]

I've been accused of hermitage by my family because I spend so much time in my room. I have this weird need to hve a balance between being with people and being alone. After a while, I get tired of being with people and need my space. But then after that I'll get lonely again. I managed to keep the balance in Puerto Rico, but when my friends came over, it was all out of wack.

I know. That's what I keep telling myself. There's me. There are at least a couple on my flist. There must be others, but where are they? I've really wanted to call one of my guy friends since I got here, which is weird because I never call him back home.

I really don't know how they don't twist their ankles between the grates and the numerous sidewalk irregularities and the fleeing from oncoming cars and bicycles.

You know, sometimes I just want to ask, "Can I touch your hair?" It'd be so much easier.

[visiblemarket.livejournal.com]

I have that balance too, although admittedly it's more on the time alone side. Being with people always exhausts me; I don't have trouble dealing with human beings otherwise, but they're just such a drain.

I never call my guys friends, but I used to be on IM a lot and talk to them like that. Except that lately we don't even have much to talk to, and that makes me a bit sad. Of course, one of them's in New York and the other's in Argentina, so I guess it's a bit tricky on all sides.

I guess it's just a practice thing? And for what, really? No matter how accustomed you are to it, you still can't walk nearly as much as you could with more comfortable shoes. Which I think may actually be a social standing thing; if you don't need to walk a lot it's because you're better off and have a car, maybe?

Heh. Only time I've touched a boy's hair like that was a guy friend I had a crush on at the time, and I just did it. He was too...I don't know, nice to say anything about it, but I think I may have freaked him out.

[guanin.livejournal.com]

Being in different locations is always difficult. I'm always either missing my friends or missing my family because the first are in Puerto Rico and the later in Illinois.

It is. I never learned how though. I can only walk in the short ones, which is what most women who wear heels here use, but every once in a while I'll see with these tall things and I don't know if they're only walking a couple of blocks or what. And in Puerto Rico there isn't a lot of walking involved except at the mall. Every one has a car (or two. Or three) because you can't walk anywhere. Unlike in Mexico, owning a car has no relation to social class, except for having a brand new BMW versus a piece of junk that's falling apart.

I pat my friend's heads sometimes, but that's a cute gesture, totally different.

[g0shawk.livejournal.com]

Oh I love LJ way more than Facebook. I wish Facebook had some sort of blog option too coz nobody ever reads notes and such. The only rl ppl I talk to like you guys are my sister and my roommate. I'm sorry you're not really getting to talk over FB - I think that would drive me crazy.

Gosh, I don't know what I'd do if someone tried to greet me with the cheek/kiss thing...it's so weird for me. Yay, I'm glad you have a friend! Omg I am seriously exactly the same. I don't really talk, but get me started on one of my tv shows and I could go on forever.

I've never been on a date either. Not sure if I could/want to deal with that. Strange since I love writing/reading romance. Yea, when my sister's friends who are in middle/high school find out that I've never had a boyfriend they act like I'm crazy or something. Meh.

*hugs*

[guanin.livejournal.com]

Facebook and I aren't compatible. I'm not interested in applications or any of that. The only thing I really like is the pictures, though I still haven't posted any from here.

It's a culture thing. In Puerto Rico it's standard, so being in the US and being greeted with a handshake was just bizarre, though even that is better than total lack of contact.

Tim's really cool to hang out with. I really like him.

I just want someone who I can hang out with and have naughty fun. Really, romance doesn't interest me. I'm afraid to admit that I've never been on a date. It's too bizarre for people to comprehend, except it really isn't because I have three friends with the same problem.

*hugs back*

[everworld2662.livejournal.com]

It's late, and I don't really know what productive thing I could say, but...I just wanted to let you know that reading this entry just made me feel a lot, a lot better. It's nice knowing that I'm not alone (though not all of those things apply). But the part about loneliness--how long have you been in London, now? It took me a year and a half to find some real friends here in Oz, and even...I don't know. I don't mean to be depressing, but in a way I don't think that feeling of being foreign and a little lonely ever goes away entirely. It hasn't for me, anyway. But, yeah, basically I just wanted to say thank you for posting this and for making me feel a little bit better. Perhaps, because there are so many of us that DO feel alone, we aren't alone at all?

[guanin.livejournal.com]

It is very comforting to know I'm not the only one. Other people in my flist have posted about being lonely where they are, too and it's so nice to be able to talk to people who understand. I've been here for a month, minus a couple of days and have one friend. A guy. I met a couple of his friends and I really liked them, but I haven't seen them again. And I'm only here for a year and one of the reasons I came was to meet new people, so it can't take forever. The first four years of college, I had no friends. None. It didn't get any until this girl talked to me my second semester back in Puerto Rico. Although I do feel better here than I did in Chicago, except for the lack of family thing. I miss them. And there are almost no Mexicans here, which feels very lonely since I'm used to be surrounded by my people, whether Puerto Rican or Mexican, though I have no hope of finding Puerto Ricans here. I found someone who was half, though. But people here actually know where Puerto Rico is! And that we speak Spanish- and their more attuned with the rest of the world, not like in the US where they don't care. So I just have to learn how to meet people. Which is not easy when you have tiny classes.