"Just one"

[guanin]

This seems to have now become my new motto. Just one more essay, one more week and I'm FREE from the tyranny of essays forever! Except for... you know... those... what are they? Three three hour long exams I have in May. And, oh, a 12,000 word dissertation in September that terrifies me and makes me want to run away to California. I have never wanted to run away to California before. Too many earthquakes. And yet I now want to run away there. For some reason. Never mind that I'm regretting not having gone back to art school or that I'm trying to find a way to milk my makeup artist cousin's connections in the entertainment industry. The week before I have to hand in an essay I've barely worked on is no time to have an existential crisis. Or start watching Psych. And yet, I am doing both.

Never mind the icon. I just felt like using it, though I feel that it overstates my point. Assuming that I have a point. Okay, I'm going back to studying now.

Comments

[visiblemarket.livejournal.com]

Mmm, I have like five things I should be doing now, but...*sigh* I read the Movie Spoiler for Watchmen and am probably going to try answer a kink meme prompt. Why is it just so hard to knuckle down and get stuff done if it's not due tomorrow?

Your icon makes me smile, btw. Vomiting pumpkins should not be so funny.

[guanin.livejournal.com]

It's that last minute pressure. We need the last minute panic to get us interested enough to ignore the stuff we love even for only a little while. Likewise, I should be reading up more right now, except that all the texts are repeating themselves and are no longer engaging me. I did, relative to apparently everyone else at my uni, get started on this early, though, which makes me feel better. Everyone else left 3 essays to the last two weeks. Three. That's insane! I think I'm the only one who only has to worry about one essay this week.

My grandfather sent me that picture for Halloween and I had to iconize it. Half of the bottles are Tecate, which made me smile for some reason.

[visiblemarket.livejournal.com]

Yay! So you don't have that much left to do, overall. Like I have...stuff to do. But I'm really not focused enough overall to get any of it done, in any kind of actually well done way so...*sigh* I'm so lazy sometimes.

Hah. Oh drunk!pumpkins, they don't have very good taste in alcohol.

[guanin.livejournal.com]

Well, I do have plenty of stuff left by my standards, but I just don't feel like doing it. It doesn't help that this essay is the politics one. I just can't seem to get into politics. Especially not with an existencial crisis on my hands. and my muse seems to have fled to Tahiti or something, because I can't seem to come up with new fic ideas lately. What is wrong with me?!

The laziness is standard, though. Work must be avoided. It's a rule.

They just went with the quick, cheap stuff and got drunk at their parents house.

[visiblemarket.livejournal.com]

I think you can take a day(ish) off. If you don't feel like doing something it's not going to get done well, that is my theory. And the fact that that theory allows me to procrastinate with less guilt has no bearing on this conversation at all. Existential crises are the worst; I've just learned to ignore them. I just stop myself from thinking of anything in the long run and focus on...getting through the week. Heh, well, there is a new kink meme around...and there are some Plaude prompts...so...that could be helpful.

*sigh* I know, but I'm starting to feel a little guilty. Mostly because I was actually pretty productive this weekend. It's just that I'm tired of being productive.

*snort* And then their friends trashed their house and the police came.

[guanin.livejournal.com]

Well...I have been taking the days off for the past two days and only working for about two hours, so... But that's a good theory. True, too, except that I never feel like writing essays, anyway, so it doesn't really work out. I can never ignore my crises, though, I'm so obsessive about everything. I'm still not convinced that I don't have OCD. And since this one is about what I'm going to after I graduate, ie. September, I do actually have to think about it now. And I have no idea what to do. I've been avoiding it for too long. The thing about these kink memes is that somehow they manage to pop up during those rare periods when I don't feel like writing smut. Like now. And the next step on the epic is precisely smut. *head desk*

Oh, the guilt. I do prefer it to panic attacks, though.

And discovered the cannabis growing in the back yard.

[visiblemarket.livejournal.com]

Hee. Then no days off for you! Get to work! Well, "feel like writing" I usually redefine as "know I have to write or else I will fail the class". So I do sort of feel like writing it enough to not fail. But never until it's due the next day. Urg, existential crises really do suck when you can't avoid them; I'm lucky enough to still have that time. Ohh, the epic! I honestly am so excited about the epic, though, even if it doesn't have smut.

Mmm, this is true. Guilt helps you get more stuff done than panic attacks.

Hee! Oh those are some wild and crazy pumpkins.

[guanin.livejournal.com]

But I don't want to! *makes pouty face* I like to give myself three to four days to write these MA things since they are so complicated. I miss being able to type out an essay during class breaks. As an undergrad, I once wrote an essay on the day it was due. In between classes, I'd run to the computer lab. I can't do that anymore. The epic will have smut, I'm just not feeling it right now. And the weird, frustrating thing is that I've wanted to write smut for two weeks, but I wasn't up to that point yet, so I put it off, and now when I finally got to it, I reach that point in the month when smut doesn't do it for me. Argh! Oh, well. I'm just hashing out something quick and leaving it to the second draft to really make it good. Or the third. Or the fourth. This thing's a novel by now. 35,000 words of main body, 6,000 in deleted scenes/side stories, 2,000 of prequel stories. It's mad. Oh, and I still haven't gotten to the actual plot.

Yeah, panic just freezes you and makes you hyperventilate. No good.

[visiblemarket.livejournal.com]

But I don't want to! *makes pouty face*

There, there. Be a good girl.

As an undergrad, I once wrote an essay on the day it was due.

Hah! Once? Amateur! But yes. I imagine at your level it's not such a good idea.

And the weird, frustrating thing is that I've wanted to write smut for two weeks, but I wasn't up to that point yet, so I put it off, and now when I finally got to it, I reach that point in the month when smut doesn't do it for me.

Mmm, what I do for epics (and this is all good in theory, except that none of the epics I've tried it for have really gotten finished) is write them kind of piecemeal, with a general idea of where things are going to slot in, but doing certain parts (like the smut) when inspiration strikes. Doing it linearly never works, it's much too intimidating.

[guanin.livejournal.com]

Yeah, now it's too intimidating. Though there are people who are insanely efficient at getting essays done in an extremely short period of time. One guy I know got three essays done in one week. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around how that's even possible.

I have to write in order. A future scene never ends up happening exactly how I envision it in my head. I started writing what was going to be the first smut scene when it first struck me over a month ago, but I stopped because I knew I'd end up throwing it out, and I was right. I kept the most crucial element, but everything else happened differently.

[visiblemarket.livejournal.com]

It's probably possible because some people work very, very well under stress. Or they're very bad essays. *laughs* I don't even know anymore, when I do that, I tend to do basically okay, but I have never had to do three in one week. Plus you guys I'm guessing have to do research, and that's harder to do quickly.

I actually had exactly that problem with "Coming Back" in that I wrote a kind of pivotal scene that I liked a lot and then I ended up changing the plot completely so it didn't make any sense. I could've posted it as it's own scene in an entirely different universe but...blah. But for the most part I do tend to stick to outlines, even if they are just in my head, so it works out to write all over the place and then just smooth over the rough edges.

[guanin.livejournal.com]

Well, he says that the essays he spends little time on don't get much different grades than the others, but he's probably just amazing at this. Oh yeah, these are all research papers. And you really can't look at less than ten sources without embarrassing yourself (I try to go for no less than 12).

See, that frustrates me. That's why I tend to avoid it. I do come up with random future scenes and then fill in the gaps of how the story gets there, but it's more a general guide than a firm scene. Not that I really know what I'm doing since this is the first novel I'll finish. Cause I will finish it. I'm really loving it.

[visiblemarket.livejournal.com]

He's probably had a good deal of practice if he can get away with it, still. Oh gosh am I glad for the lack of research papers in my academic career thus far. I haven't done a real one since high school.

Well, I have so many partly-finished (and even fully finished!) things that I'm never going to post for some reason or another that I don't mind one more here or there. I have one novel-length Plaude AU that I started for [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com] last year, missed my deadline for, and still haven't finished. *laughs* I think it's at +100,000 words.

[guanin.livejournal.com]

I did two in seven years of college. Now I've done eight in five months. Who wouldn't have burnout by this point?

I've got so many half finished novels lying around, both fanfic and original. Either I lose interest or I get stuck on plot. I need to practice real, substantial plot. I keep runing away from it.The longest I've done is over 80,000 (and that's the beginning). I'm surprised this epic isn't longer by now.

[visiblemarket.livejournal.com]

Jeez. Remind me never to do a masters in Latin American History (that is what you're doing, right?) I would've burnt out after the first two.

Same; the super-long AU of death (which actually has very little death; in fact it's romance-novel-levels of shmoop and sex and improbable coincidences) keeps sputtering to a stop because I...well, I start to think it's silly. But it's got so many smut scenes! And some of them are even good! So I don't want to scrape it altogether, I just...want to stop getting derailed. And then I start wondering why it is I'm spending so much time on this sort of thing; I mean writing is a great hobby, but it's not something I'll ever manage professionally, and...well. It gets all existential.

[guanin.livejournal.com]

Oh, have I mentioned that they assign them in batches so that you have three of them due on the same day? It doesn't matter what you do it in. If you're in England, you're screwed. Even the undergrad degrees here are essays, essays, and more essays. And the research type, too. And they have to do a dissertation.

Yeah, there are so many good things in my novels, but... I don't think of writing as a hobby, though, cause for me it's not. It's like eating. I cannot live without it, even for two days. If I don't write for one day, I wake up the next day feeling empty and depressed. And I do want to try it professionally at least on some level. And here we go again to my unfulfilled wish to be in the entertainment industry, even though the competition is extremely insane.

[visiblemarket.livejournal.com]

I think in theory that's to encourage you not to wait until the last minute to do them. In theory. God, I hate research. Just remembering when I had to genuinely do it is making me feel a little terrified.

I think it's good to have a back-up plan even if you do plan to do something like writing professionally. But I think if I were to try and make a career out of it, I'd almost feel...guilty. Like it's not real work in my head even though yeah, I probably revise and plan and think through fics about a hundred times more than I ever do with real life stuff. Plus the way the world is right now...well, there's nothing wrong with getting a nine-to-five dependable somewhat boring job and then being comfortable enough to come home and write. Even if the writing never goes anywhere. Heh, the entertainment industry, sometimes I indulge in a little fantasy of writing scripts or a comedy show like 30 Rock or something but then I remember that I have no footholds there and no training in that kind of writing.

[guanin.livejournal.com]

I love research when it's a subject I like. Else I wouldn't be here. It's the actual writing of the essays I hate. I do consider creative stuff real work. I find it much more valuable than most other types of work, but I'm biased. It's like the argument that philosophy is the most valuable thing in the whole world precisely because it's useless. But I really, really do not want the nine to five job, and not only because it's nine to five and rush hour is hell. It scares me that I might end up like that. Every time that I discuss m future prospects with someone in that kind of job, they're all, "don't worry. Enjoy your life now. You wnat to rush into the life I have." One of my professors said that not having a plan was the best way to go about it. I just feel this need to be in a creative atmosphere, even if I'm just editing someone else's scripts. I could take a script writing course, but I have no patience for short non-fanfic stuff, in either script or original story form, so I don't know how I'd handle the assignments.

[visiblemarket.livejournal.com]

I love learning stuff and being able to apply it to points I want to make; I don't so much love having to track down books and figure out how to cite them. Citation is actually what I like least about...anything research oriented. I always get it wrong.

I understand the value of creative stuff, but for me and my econ brain it turns into an opportunity cost sort of thing; I'm genuinely good at stuff like politics and economics and law, and someone has to do those things, and it should be someone who's good at them. Just like people who are better at writing than I am should spend their time doing that instead of...basket weaving. Or whatever. The nine-to-five stuff doesn't bother me because, well, I like having a schedule. I like having someplace to be. I know if I decided to become a "full time writer" or something I'd just spend all my time sitting around at home in my pajamas and as fun as that sounds, I feel like it'd...be waste of my time.

But the creative stuff is always a rush, and I wouldn't want to give it up. So you know, some people do manage to do the nine-to-five stuff and then go home and write. Even if it is just for myself (or in terms of fanfic, for a limited community). I think with a creative writing class it's best to just pretend you were writing fanfic stuff ;) Just very AU fanfic stuff.

[guanin.livejournal.com]

Citation as in quoting? At this level, you have to keep those to a minimum. Basically, only do it if you absolutely have to, ie. "I can't figure out how the hell to paraphrase this or the original phrase is so wonderful that I must put it down verbatim to prove my point." Paraphrasing is worse.Then you have all the plagiarism doubts, because apparently you can plagiarize without even being aware of it.

You economically minded people. I can't figure out why my dad isn't a professional photographer. Instead, he's an econ professor. He genuinely loves it, but he still bought a $2,000 professional camera. He didn't even want to admit the price. The man is a photography junkie. See, I don't like having the same routine day after day. I tried keeping a schedule for my writing once and I had to stop because I didn't even want to write anymore. It made it seem like such a chore. I'd much rather do freelance and work from home.

Creating is the biggest rush in the world. And my reason for living, really. I took two creative writing courses and pretty much hated everything about it. It's that workshop style. It doesn't work for me. Apparently, even some of the people to teach using it don't think it's effective. I read an article that basically called it a necessary evil. It doesn't work for half the people, but they can't figure out anything better.

[visiblemarket.livejournal.com]

No, just the actual citation. *laughs* Like, Bains, Stewart. Books Are Awesome, Putnam Press, New York City 2008. Or whatever.

I think it really is just that some of us just can't imagine spending our lives getting paid to do something as enjoyable as what we really love. *laughs* It just seems so indulgent! Plus something about getting paid for writing makes it a job. So you know, it's less...thrilling.

Heh, true, I think creative writing courses just exist for people to be able to say they took them. But you know, I think the system of peer review created by livejournal communities keeps the best of them; you get encouragement, you learn what works, what people respond to. So it's feedback, but it's a lot less face-to-face and possibly a lot more honest. Also there is more porn. Mmm, porn.

[guanin.livejournal.com]

But wouldn't that be wonderful? I already call writing "work", so upping it to "job" wouldn't phase me.

There are people who find them helpful, but it's just not for me. Especially not of they have me writing a journal that I then have to read in front of the class. I hated that. Although that was mostly because I wrote nothing in it. I might do better now that I have LJ experience. And in LJ, you get to chose your own assignments, which is much more fun.

[visiblemarket.livejournal.com]

I don't know. It'd maybe be wonderful for a little while, and then it'd be...oh my god I haven't written anything in months my publishers are going to kill me oh my god! *laughs* That might just be in my mind.

Yeah, I don't know how much I'd get out of something like that, but I know for a fact I'd hate to read the majority of things other people would write. Ah yes, LJ experience is inherently superior. In that your own assignments can in fact be smut. Or not! But sometimes, yeah.

[guanin.livejournal.com]

Okay, I get that. I don't honestly see it as being possible to do writing exclusively, but I want to work in a creative field. *sigh* Why didn't I stay in film school?

[visiblemarket.livejournal.com]

Aww, you were in film school? A part of me would've loved to try something like that. But all that darn sensibility's been beaten into me! A friend of mine is in film school, and I'm always so jealous because he comes home and has actually produced something. Like, a movie to sit down and watch, even if it is only about 10 minutes long.

[guanin.livejournal.com]

Well... I almost was. I applied to film school at an arts college, then changed to creative writing instead on registration day, because I'm indecisive like that. But if I hadn't flunked had my classes, which prompted my dad to pull me out and out me in a community college, I likely would have ended up back in film. Not the right time, I guess. I was such a mess in high school. No will to study at all. I did work on a short film with a friend of mine and I have at least three different mentions in the credits, which is pretty sweet. It's a logistical nightmare, but totally worth it once you see the finished product.

Well, it's 4:30 in the morning. Gotta go to bed. Though I'm not looking forward to another day of studying.

[rampant-chaos8.livejournal.com]

Eeep, sounds awful :/ Good luck with everything!

[guanin.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm dealing. Thanks!

[everworld2662.livejournal.com]

♥ *fierce hugs*

I know how you feel, though I can't say my workload is anything like that. <3~

[guanin.livejournal.com]

*hugs back* Thanks. At least essays will be no more after this week.