guanin

Yesterday I was in such a low mood that I could barely write. Today I am in such a cheerful mood that... I can barely write. Have you ever written something so funny that you can barely type it up because you keep laughing? I don't even know if it truly is that funny or I'm just giddy or if simply writing Claude snark amuses me.

I got stuck reading a novel today. I needed to read some fiction. I couldn't take just studying anymore, but now I can't stop reading it and it's very troublesome.

I am going to the Tate Britain tomorrow. I cannot study any more for the next test. If I read another thing about political parties I'm not going to remember who has what party of what happened where in 1973. The whole thing is driving me batty.

I finally washed my clothes. I'm so lazy when it comes to these things, especially when it costs 2 pounds.

It seems that I can no longer write the word "pants" when I mean "trousers". I say it fine, but pretty much replaced it with "trousers" in my general writing ages ago because I am way too much in love with British usage, except when I'm writing from the pov of a character who would say "pants". However, It's been so long that when I wrote it last night, my fingers clenched and I kept staring at the word like it was some weird bug and I. Don't. Know. Why. I actually deleted it and wrote "trousers". I'll replace it later. It was bothering me. *head desking so hard*

I'm constantly forgetting the names of the characters I'm writing. I know who they are, but their names evade me.

Dialogue is the new smut. Lately, I want to write smut, but when I'm sitting in front of the computer, the urge suddenly goes away and I just want to write dialogue. Not that you can't have both together, but I seem to be favoring the dialogue element. Ack!

My mind goes blank whenever someone asks me a direct question. Either that, or it'll freeze between all the possible answers and I can't choose one. It's very problematic when I get called on in class or if someone asks me what my favorite music is.

Writing is love. I woke up feeling like shit, as always this week, because I've got the depressive thing that isn't PMS, because it strikes whenever, although it is stronger if it occurs during the PMS period. After an hour of moping and feeling like the world was going to implode on me (just when I'm supposed to study, pa' colmo), I forced myself to write. Two minutes later, I was laughing. Now I feel fine. It will come back, though, but for now I'll just ride the wave and study. *snort* That sounds sad.

It was supposed to be a little thing. Ten, maybe twenty pages at most. But then I started getting all these ideas. They crawled all over my brain, insisting that I pay attention to them and I said, why not? So I start writing random scenes here and there across a timeline that I'm just starting to get a glimpse of and then I realize that if I want to do this properly, I have to start examining actions and motivations more throroughly and given the delicacy of the ship (Ando/Hiro/Adam) and that I want to explore how a relationship between these people could work, that already demands at least twice the word count I was initially estimating. Not that I should be surprised, because everything I write, except for a few little fics, grows beyond the original boundaries. But this is too much. It's already by far the longest thing I've ever written (37,000 words! including early drafts) and I haven't moved past the beginning! I'm not used to taking this long to finish a first draft. It's a new experience for me. But I can't stop! Even if I wanted to, which I don't, (though there are moments when I want to throw everything out the window and work on something else just for five minutes), I couldn't stop. I'm determined on finishing this. If it's the last thing I do *raises fist*

And what is so ridiculous about that is I'm stressing myself out. It's not schoolwork; I don't even have any. This is the easiet semester in seven years of college. I know that next semester I'm going to get pummeled in grad school, though, so I've been considering this as a bit of a vacation. It gives me time to write and that's the reason why I'm feeling like this. I finally tried giving myself a deadline to finish something, because I need to learn time management, (although really I have another fic idea encroaching on my mind that's not letting me concentrate) and combined with the interminable process of getting into grda school, I got myself so worked up and I didn't even notice until now. I'm writing this down just to give my brain space to breathe. I didn't know that self imposed deadlines could be as stressful as professor imposed ones. And I still have to fill out transcript request forms and write the statement of purpose for the last university. I've had the application sitting on a shelf with both letters of reference for like two weeks. Ayayay.